please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
