My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
