she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
