Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
