drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
