WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
