He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
