that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
