Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
