Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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