I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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