I want to walk on stilts...naked
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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