I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
