She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
