My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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