I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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