I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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