I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
