peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
