I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
