Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
