i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
