I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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