pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
