I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
