i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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