Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
