You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
