I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
