I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
