Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
