u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
