it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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