he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
