I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
