im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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