I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
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