Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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