this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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