ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
