she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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