I can't watch pbs sober anymore
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
