the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
