She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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