It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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