Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
