I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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