are you so shy because you have an std?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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