i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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