Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
